Just Some Thoughts

My husband and I have been in this cycle where we go along in our lives well and good until that moment or second attacks us out of the blue and we are thrust into an emotional storm and we again have to pull ourselves out of it until the next "attack" if you will. Much like a roller coaster.
When you have never suffered such a personal lose, of course you don't know how your life is about to be tossed around. We knew we would have a hard time after Emma died, but while she was alive we were in this floating cloud where all was peaceful and good. It is amazing just how many things bring your thoughts back to her. How many things actually have to do with her and her arrival.
We are having a yard sale this weekend and guess what I am doing today? Going thru all of my baby clothes that I will be selling. All these clothes that I had kept for my children, now they are being sold because of one decision I made, that I wish I hadn't. I chose to have my tubes tied. We have been planning for a long time to have this yard sale but I just couldn't bring myself to go through all those blankets and clothes and actually say goodbye to them knowing that there is no magical baby that is going to show up on my doorstep. There were a few things that I had specifically bought for Emma and I returned those things as soon as I was able. So really it boils down to saying goodbye to those things that have defined me as a mother for so long. Bibs, burp clothes, blankets, car seats, those cute outfits that have been passed on since my first baby.
If you haven't guessed I'm feeling sorry for myself today. I was going to have to do it sooner or later, get rid of all the baby stuff, but I was trying to pick later rather than sooner.
Here is one more for you. How about having to erase her little face from my camera's memory card? I didn't realize just how long I had kept those pics on there until there was no room left for new pics and I had to delete them. That was fun!
I keep trying to be thankful. Thankful for the plan of salvation, and the atonement, and my testimony, without which I would be so so lost. In these low moments I try to remember all of this and that I can't choose to give up and fall off the wagon because half of my family is waiting for me. I want to see their shining faces again and what better inspiration than that.
I think I'm done now. Thanks for letting me vent.
Seriously though, I have some stick'in cute stuff!